Peter McHardy has been married for 54 years this November. But as he puts it, it hasn鈥檛 been one marriage. It鈥檚 been two.
鈥淭here was the one before the diagnosis,鈥� he said. 鈥淎nd there鈥檚 the one after.鈥�
His wife, Alma, was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment more than 10 years ago. That diagnosis marked the beginning of a new chapter, not one filled with retirement plans or travel, but with caregiving, trial-and-error treatments and daily decisions to stay present, kind and calm in the face of slow, irreversible change.
The couple's first marriage was built on teamwork and shared joy. He worked, she ran the household, and together they entertained, travelled and built a life side by side. Their second marriage is built on patience, persistence and daily acts of care, from managing medications to creating moments of joy each day. Because McHardy is now Alma鈥檚 full-time caregiver.
"It鈥檚 brand new for most people"
According to Family Caregivers of BC, more than eight million Canadians are caregivers. Together, they provide over seven billion hours of unpaid care each year, the equivalent of nearly three million full-time jobs.
鈥淚f they stopped tomorrow, the health care system would collapse,鈥� the organization states.
鈥淧eople know about cancer. They know about Alzheimer鈥檚, sort of,鈥� McHardy said. 鈥淏ut when it鈥檚 happening to you, it鈥檚 all brand new. If you鈥檙e a paid caregiver, the system thanks you. But as a family caregiver? You鈥檙e alone.鈥�
That鈥檚 where the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society (CFCSS) comes in.
The Vancouver Island-based organization provides emotional, practical and systems-level support to unpaid caregivers across the region. They offer one-on-one guidance, peer support groups, education and advocacy, all while operating with just five part-time staff and a budget that continually hovers near the edge.
They currently support more than 250 caregivers. There are 24 more on their waitlist.
McHardy, a resident of the Vancouver Island community of Ladysmith is now an ambassador for the society and runs a coffee group for male caregivers.
鈥淭hey helped me navigate the health care system,鈥� he said. 鈥淲hat I鈥檝e learned, I now share with other caregivers in our coffee group.鈥�
CFCSS's goal is simple: "to reduce caregiver stress, increase resilience and ensure no one walks the path alone.鈥�
鈥淓very day, I try to create one moment of joy鈥�
McHardy鈥檚 approach to caregiving is both practical and philosophical. His days are filled with routine: preparing meals, managing medications, attending appointments and helping Alma through confusion, fear and frustration.
鈥淚鈥檓 sad every day,鈥� he said. But each morning, he makes a choice.
鈥淓very day, I try to create one moment of joy for the two of us,鈥� McHardy said.
He often returns to a parable he likes to share.
鈥淵ou鈥檝e got two dogs inside you. You鈥檝e got a negative dog and a positive dog. And they fight all the time. And you ask which one wins? The answer is: the one you feed the most.鈥�
McHardy feeds the good dog.
鈥淓verything鈥檚 been a bit of a disappointment鈥�
After Alma鈥檚 diagnosis, the couple pursued every treatment they could. They tried red light therapy, physiotherapy, nutritional programs, acupuncture, mould testing and sauna therapy.
鈥淓verything鈥檚 been a bit of a disappointment,鈥� he said. 鈥淏ecause she鈥檚 not bad enough, and yet she鈥檚 worse.鈥�
Medications were a process of trial and error. One caused the sensation of ants crawling up Alma鈥檚 legs. Others didn鈥檛 work 鈥� or worked for a while, then stopped.
Eventually, McHardy realized they couldn鈥檛 do it alone.
鈥淚 thought I didn鈥檛 need help鈥�
Like many caregivers, McHardy resisted support at first.
鈥淚鈥檝e got some male tendencies,鈥� he said with a smile. 鈥淭he 鈥業鈥檒l take care of it鈥� thing.鈥�
Ten years ago, he didn鈥檛 think he needed the CFCSS. Five years ago, he reconsidered. A year ago, he made the call.
鈥淎fter the first meeting, I signed up,鈥� he said.
Now he鈥檚 one of the society鈥檚 strongest advocates.
鈥淭hey鈥檙e doing extraordinary work but they鈥檙e underfunded,鈥� McHardy said, stressing the importance of fundraising.
The emotional and practical support he receives helps him focus on what matters most: keeping Alma safe, cared for and at home as long as possible.
What happens if I die?
As Alma鈥檚 dementia progresses, tough decisions follow.
鈥淭he last six months have seen a more rapid decline,鈥� he said, 鈥渇orcing me to re-evaluate how to best take care of her and what the near future really holds.鈥�
To show up fully for Alma, McHardy has to care for himself, too. That means a minimum of 10,000 steps a day, garage workouts, music when the mood dips and embracing his emotions.
鈥淜ey for me is to be proactive in addressing a number of what if鈥檚, such as: What if I pass away first? What will my life look like if she is in long term care or what will my life be like without her?鈥�
Two marriages, one vow
McHardy continues to walk two paths, honouring the joyful life they built together while navigating the difficult road of caregiving with grace and determination. Their first marriage may be behind them, but their second is no less real.
鈥淚 acknowledge my grief and that I am slowly losing the love of my life,鈥� he said. 鈥淭he reality that I have two Almas and the need for me to be full time on her journey has proven to work for us.鈥�
Their second marriage is sustained not just by love, but by community, and by the practical, emotional support offered by the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society.
鈥淚鈥檓 married to a different person now,鈥� McHardy said. 鈥淏ut I鈥檓 still her husband.鈥�
And just as he honours both versions of Alma, McHardy honours both marriages, keeping his vow with every step.
To learn more about the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society visit their website at .
